An Aching Heart

She cannot hear me now for she left this earth 17 years ago, but God can hear me, and that does help.

I doubted her, I was angry and afraid and alone. I couldn't understand why she could make the choices she did. She left me. How could she do it? How?

Inside my 13 year old heart, the pain ran deep, very deep. I wanted to forgive her and yet, it hurt like the pain of a burn. The intensity was horrific to me, just 13.

For years, I struggled with the anger deep inside this heart of mine. I didn't appreciate her enough. I didn't reach out enough. I didn't do enough. Oh, I loved her and she loved me and there was a day that I poured my heart out to her and we cried together and she shared her innermost feelings and I mine.

But there were so many things I wish I'd of said. So many conversations that went unspoken. So many questions I had. I didn't respect her enough. I didn't honor her enough. I didn't realize then what I do now. Only now, I can't go to her, I can only go to God.

She gave up so much for me. She sacrificed more than I'll ever have the knowledge of now. She worked a full time job back in a time when most all moms were home, taking care of their children. But she worked so we could "have enough." I didn't understand the depth of that love for her children like I do now. Only I can't tell her now.

With AN ACHING HEART I think of her, I miss her so much. I yearn to tell her how much I respected her and loved her. I yearn to tell her thank you for all she did for me.

Today's morning message at church broke my heart. As Johnny talked about the 5th Commandment and ALL that honoring our parents means, I was overwhelmed with sadness that my Mother is gone and so much was left unsaid and so much "honoring" that I should have done, I won't ever have the chance to do now.

If you still have your mother on this earth with you, call her. Tell her how much you love, honor and respect her. Do it now. There will be a day that you won't be able to. Do it now.

I wish I could.