Without You

You never picture it. It's just not programmed into momma's heads to ever think about the picture I saw today.

He lay there in ICU, more tubes coming in and going out of him than I've ever seen. My son.....my son.......that's my son my heart spoke to my brain but my brain nearly refused to believe the sight before me. He's only 37 Lord. Tears welled up in my eyes as I took it all in. He's on a ventilator, until he adjusts and his oxygen levels are what they should be. The nurse says the first 24 hours are crucial to see how he's going to do....we'll know more tomorrow, she says.

But my heart is screaming inside myself......
"That's my son.....do you know that? Do you care? Will you care for him and watch over him as I did when he was a little boy? If I leave this room, will you wipe his brow? Will you comfort him? Will you calm his fears....he's full of them....they don't know that, but I do. I'm his mom, I know. You can't love him like I do.....you can't know him as I do."

Tears well up in my eyes and after only a few minutes, we're told we must leave. It's so hard to walk down that hallway. He doesn't even know I'm there....he won't remember any of this.....the hallway looms before me and at the end is a doorway that I cannot walk back through until tomorrow. WITHOUT YOU Lord, I could not make a step. I'd have no hope, no peace within in. WITHOUT YOU Lord, my feet would have planted themselves at his side and I wouldn't have moved.

BUT.......because I am NOT WITHOUT YOU.....I can leave him in the physical hands of the doctors and nurses and the spiritual hands of my God and Savior. You do ALL things well Lord. Your plan is so much better than any I could ever have for him. I trust You Lord. As little 6 year old Easton prayed....."God, talk to him while he's sleeping...."

Yes Lord.......talk to him even now, while he is sleeping. Talk to him now. He's my son Lord, my firstborn. Talk to him.